When…If

When…If

When I sleep well let’s rephrase if I sleep. I do sleep I sleep often I sleep enough. Ange tells me that for the first year of my recovery I slept all day all night. That in my mind was my body preparing for the long walk, the long walk through the desert. If I walk through the desert with no spare tube no fat which ‘protects’ me I will not get too far. Now though my fat will start feeding my body whilst I walk to the safety of the oasis. So I slept for a year and now I do not need to sleep through a night.

I can joke about no sleep but it is an issue it is a real issue. If I did have a job it would not last a few days I would fall asleep at my desk, whilst I make coffee, whilst I do the filing, whilst I walk. I often stay awake most of the evening. 10PM soon becomes 1AM then two then three then four shows up at the door. Soon six am the sun will shine and I am now part of the early risers club.

Now at 9AM after I have been on my game drive (wild earth on U-Tube) I will crash for a few hours sometimes until twelve or oneish. And so it will start over again broken sleep throughout the night. I know it is about routine I have tried that but after a few days of sleeping through the evening I wake at about tenish in the darkness and then I know here it starts.

To be honest I enjoy the evenings awake it is quiet and Ange can rest this is a good thing that my Ange can rest. The big problem is the desert walk the expansion of my waist line. I ran and walked plenty this kept the extra ten kilos from hanging around but I have an injury now so I must take it easy. When I am awake I eat I eat a lot like every half an hour I am eating. I think it is a brain thing. I have lost most of my taste and smell I now think I eat so that I can get a glimmer of a different taste other than either the taste of earth or perfume.

Who knows whatever it is it is there I will find a way even if I don’t I will be okay I don’t have to work tomorrow so I guess there is no stress. Perhaps that is the problem no stress so I can be awake all night I am okay with that and if I do not want to sleep I won’t. The less I sleep the more I get to see life even if it is the darkness and the kitchen is just a few steps away I’m okay with that.

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