I Am Sorry I Really Am

Sorry

Sorry- an extremely easy word to say-‘I’m sorry’.

Sorry-an extremely difficult word to understand both for you and me.

You meaning a caregiver, me meaning an ordinary man that has fallen to the silent injury-a TBI. You will never understand or know how I feel. I will never understand or know how you feel. To those that have fallen to a brain injury and to those caregivers you will perhaps understand what I write about, perhaps not.

You will or you won’t I say this because there are no two brain injuries alike so I cannot generalise. I will take me as an example I say I’m sorry which in my mind means I am sorry I did not mean what I did or what I said. Does this mean I will not do it again, someone once told me that if you are indeed sorry you will not do that again or you will certainly try to not do “that” again? In my case I know I will do that again I know I will do it over and over and over again.

It is easy for me to say sorry as it comes from my heart and I do understand the word. I know this because I have just unintentionally hurt you not physically I would never do that but emotionally. When whatever I do that huts you is an emotional mountain for you to climb I do know is difficult for you and I am sorry for that.

I understand that I have to relearn certain parts of life I do but I struggle to. I am not a child but I do know that as a child would be told that is wrong is a way of teaching me. Once the incident happens and we leave that incident is taken to the abyss-my abyss. This is why I say it will happen over and over again.

Perhaps telling me that that man was only trying to help does not help me too much. I do know that really I do know that man was trying to but when he is persistent and will not give up my fuse is burning fast very fast and before he walks away I explode. When I explode all standing around sees the explosion now it cannot be undone. They do not know what has just happened I guess it happens to many people but as persistent as this man is they continue to say no and so he will leave and scout out another to help.

I am talking about a car guard we leave the shops and are on our way to our vehicle when he offers to push my trolley I am a grown man I am doing just fine. Corona is in the air and I do not want this man grabbing my trolley I really don’t but he continues. I act differently to what others do and for that I am sorry and I do know that it will happen again. I am now five years into my TBI and I am understanding more how to react to people that don’t understand no. Perhaps now my abyss will not take my reaction to this away I hope so.

I am sorry Ange I really am.

 

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