All I Want is for us to be Happy

All I Want is for us to be Happy

Each morning Ange wakes with a smile-a great smile. Each morning I say but this is not so, many mornings yes but not each morning. Evenings are the same she tries as best as she can but I know behind the “smile” is pain. Emotional pain, difficult pain. Hard pain, deep pain TBI pain.

You can’t amputate his arm Ange pleads to the surgeons. No I will not sign the amputation form work harder save it my husband is a builder he needs his arm. Some twenty operations later through Anges fighting my arm remains part of me. I’m a builder she says he needs his arm… well I was a builder five years ago to this day five years and I still cannot work or drive. Take my arm just give me me back!

I know that me has gone he died five years ago today. As I write this post at 11H30 I was slipping in and out of consciousness fighting the hardest battle the fight for my survival. I try so hard to keep that amazing smile on Anges face true. I try and I try but still I fall, I fall but I am not giving up no ways this is my amazing wife she is my life the love of my life.

I have just finished reading the audio version of my book except one chapter-My Girl. This one I wanted Ange to read. I wanted her to read it but she cannot she can’t even get through the first sentence too much pain to many bad memories just too much.

I have asked Cammy to read it for her Cammy said she would love to. I have also asked my good friend Naomi to read it in case Cammy cannot. Whilst I read I had to stop and re-read many times because of the emotional words but for some reason my pain is a different pain. Ange has not damaged her brain her brain Is strong and intact unlike mine which has somewhat lost those thoughts of that horror.

I know her words will be heard I do know for now it will not be Anges this is okay. Next year this time I do know that when Ange gets out of bed the smile on her face will be so much greater than yesterday. I know this because yes I have and always will have a TBI but I am so much stronger than last year. Every day we wake I am stronger-we are stronger we are both still learning how to live with a TBI it is hard but we have love on our side.

I love you so very much Ange you my rock star.

Thank you Ange-thank you.

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