I Can’t beat Me

I Can’t Beat Me

I’ve tried over and over again I have tried but I cannot beat me. I will never stop trying but what happens when I do beat me…then what, what then?

As I lay in the still, silent dark of the night my mind wonders I know where it’s going one of two places it’s headed to that me or the other me. Once released from hospital it took a year or so to start understanding me. The Bevan I know has gone he died and took most of everything with him. This may be difficult for you to understand how I talk about the three Bevan’s (this me that me and the other me). For me it is a way to perhaps keep from giving up I think its whispers of long term memories which grace me every now and then. When a long term memory shows up it only stays for a mere moment once gone it rarely returns hence the reason for the three ME’s.

People often ask how I deal with the loss of my long and short term memory. I usually smile and say its okay I will make new ones. Truth be said though my response comes from a false smile behind the smile lays deep sadness. How do I speak to my amazing Ange about our life when there is not much memory of spending ten or so years together? I don’t even remember our wedding day! As we talk I feel so down and sad how I can lose ten amazing years with this beautiful lady. Ange does know I am sad that I only have a small percent of my long term memory. She knows this and is okay with that but I do feel that deep down it saddens her.

In the quiet darkness I think about a few of my not so good moments which Ange did, has or does bring up. I think how can I do certain tasks better so that what I do wrong I do not do anymore. Well I think I do try but perhaps I should try harder. I will keep trying but the problem is that it is that Bevan or the other Bevan which seems to be showing up now and then. What can I say I really do not want to chase those two away besides they could also be beneficial to this Bevan. Also they are bits and pieces of my long term memory showing up telling me a story about how I used to live my life how I used to be.

This is just fine I will see the good and bad of those two and keep trying to learn from them. This is not about who wins or loses it is about living my life and growing stronger each and every day. It is about enjoying my life and allowing my amazing Ange too enjoy her life and out time together.

Day 11 for us in sunny South Africa Day of isolation for me it is over 1300 days and I am doing fine life is good enjoy being alive.




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