Do I Know Who I Am

Training at Justin Jeffreys Biokinetists

Do I Know Who I Am?

Yesterday I opened my laptop and started writing about my difficult day on Friday. Suddenly as if from nowhere this mighty blank space surrounded me it fills me with despair and loneliness I had just suffered a personal loss of unbelievable proportion I had lost me. My head bowed as I started remembering what I had done in the day. Right at that moment I could not believe who I was and how did I actually become like I am now. I slam my laptop lid closed for I am so sad I cannot write a single thing now and so I sleep.

I wake early today the moments and thoughts of yesterday and most of my life are on their way to the Abyss. I walk to the 24 hr  quick store for milk I return, sit down take my laptop out to write. Suddenly I feel I am in a time lapse this has happened before. I then realise that today is Sunday not Saturday and that an entire day of my life has indeed been taken to the Abyss.

I do remember that I wanted to write about my talk with Justin at my Bio class on Friday. I wanted to write on how he talking to me had for the first time as I remember opened my eyes. His talk to me was an introduction to me to the new Bevan the man I am now. Wow what a sad moment for me as Justin spoke about appropriate moments. Is this what I have become a person that no one wants to be around a person that is continuously inappropriate? Justin did not say this to me but as I write this I know in my heart that I can be very inappropriate.

Once again I feel sad and lonely but I will not pack up lie down and hide in a corner. I will not because I will post these words and once I do I will know that I am becoming stronger and I am becoming better at the daily tasks I do. I am because after two days I still remember little bits of my chat with Justin I agree not much. Mostly I remember his face and how his expressive eyes spoke words stronger than what my ears heard from his voice. I see Justin sitting before me talking honestly to me, talking to a strong man that had just fallen and now he needed a little hand up so that he can continue on his journey to become stronger. Not only for himself but for others the ones that have fallen themselves and will also need a hand up.

Thank you Justin Jefferies you are a great man-a strong man and you have once again given me a hand up where I needed one when I was knocked down and had fallen hard.


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