If you asked me about my life before my accident I would talk for hours about all my great memories. I know I had amazing moments they are all there lots and lots…well they are there but those memories of my life before my accident are not securely stored in my brain. They now hide away in a couple of special boxes I keep safe. They are pictures and stories I wrote down in old ledger books. I do not have much long term memory in fact I have very little. All the memories I have are only of the pictures I see and the words I have written. There is no recollection of that actual time I just remember seeing the photo. A few examples of my missing memories are my kids being born; most of their time growing up, the day Ange and I got married, most of the time spent with my brother and sister and my mom and dad. There are glimpses of special times and moments but not much and they do not stay for too long perhaps a few seconds.

I wrote many stories of great moments and adventures I had been on. I did this so that when I died my kids could read the stories of their dad. All the words in those journals were how that particular time in my life took place the good and the bad. I figured that if my kids did read some horror stories they could perhaps learn from their dads faults and would know what not to do.

As I read the journals they tell a story of a man with a great spirit who had a never give up attitude. I feel good when I read my words as i do feel that never give up spirit got me through that dark hole. Yes there are moments where I cannot believe what I got up to but that is how I was then those moments will stay there. It’s not too often that I go through my pics and memories I have kept of my past as I just forget to. Well today I found my boxes they were deep in a spare room cupboard. Excitedly I opened the one and right on the top of the stack were two cards given to me by my kiddies, Cammy and Keegan. I opened the cards to read but as I read them I became sad as the first card was for my 46th birthday the second was for father’s day. On my birthday I was in the Oliver Tambo Trauma Ward slipping in and out of a coma. Ange showed me a video she had taken of the trauma staff singing happy birthday to me. I was awake but when I watched the video the person that lay there in a daze was not me he was a stranger in another world.

When reading the cards I did not become sad because of that difficult time I went through. I was sad because I could not imagine my kids writing a birthday card to their dad who they may never see again. Once I read the two cards I put them carefully back in the box and closed the lid the rest of the memories will stay right there until I am strong enough to revisit that time in my life again.

My accident happened that’s it but I am alive, I love life I love the Bevan now and I fight harder each day to stay strong. Reading those cards today first made me sad but after a while I felt happy and strong. Now I will try to not wait too long before I venture into those memory boxes because I know there is so much I can learn and perhaps understand about me and my life.

Thank you Cammy and Keegs for giving me so much strength during my time in hospital and also for all the strength you guys give to Ange and me as I recover. One day when you guys have kids they will be in safe and strong hands.

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